My dear friend Jan whom I’ve written about in prior entries here and here visited me this past weekend. We met during our freshman year of college and have been close friends ever since. In 1971, Jan transferred to another college for the remainder of her education. I frequently visited her there and became friends with many of her new friends. One woman in particular named Deb was especially fun to be with and very smart. I would spend time with her whenever I came to visit Jan. Although we have kept up with each others’ lives through Jan, I hadn’t seen Deb in probably thirty years. Coincidentally, Deb ended up being in town at the same time as Jan and the three of us had a reunion this past weekend.

Our time together was magical! It was as if no time had passed and yet we each had become older and wiser. It is not a given that aging will create wisdom. However, we each share values of self-discovery, honest inquiry and spirituality all of which can spark wisdom. Our values have held constant over these past three decades and have nurtured us through both our good and our hard times. It was as if we were magically transported back in time to our younger selves and yet able to call on our current wisdom to both question and validate our earlier experiences. For me, there was a quality of time travel. Although I knew that we were all here in my living room in 2009, images and feelings from 1971 combined with retroactive “aha’s” in the present.

After reminiscing about our shared past and catching each other up on the latest happenings in our lives, we spoke about what was important to us. As  I look back on our day long series of conversations, I realize that each conversation was about being in relationship. We spoke of our relationships with our partners, families, friends, colleagues and other significant people in our lives. Our feminine energy naturally focused on our relationships with others and with each other. Our conversations nurtured us, each woman mindful to take the time and space she needed to speak and give the necessary time and space to the others to add their own voices and stories. We wove our web of connection around each other gently yet with great intention for each of us believes very deeply in the power of conscious relationships to elicit joy and growth.

All three of us practice somewhat different spiritual traditions and yet we spoke a shared language that was inclusive and contained space for wonder and unity. We spoke to each other with both sides of our brains and our hearts continued to open to each other. To me this is the opportunity of reunion. We first experience an inner reunion of heart and mind which connects us to our deepest selves and then to the others with whom we have chosen to meet again. Our visit was healing despite the fact that I was not specifically in need of a healing. The visit was enlivening and inspiring mirroring the co-creative spirit we each brought to our connection. And as always, it was fun! When I remember my visits with Deb and Jan they were always filled with laughter no matter how much young adult angst we were suffering at any given moment.

Three thousand miles away in New York, it sounds like many of my high school cohort were also experiencing the joy of reconnecting and seeing the formerly young faces peeking out out of the current older versions of their friends and acquaintances. Classmates who knew each other well 40 years ago hugged each other with gusto. Classmates who previously were shy were embraced in warm welcome. Given all the happy and heartfelt reports on facebook in the past couple of days, it seems as if there’s definitely a yearning for continued relationship and connection. I will definitely attend our next gathering.

Reunions are wonderful opportunities to notice changes, celebrate accomplishments and grieve losses. Reunions can also be bittersweet not only because we can be disappointed by others (or ourselves) but because they are always blatant reminders of the passage of time. However, if my experience of my reunion with Deb and Jan this weekend is any indication, you can also create a space in the present that is timeless. Granted, most high school reunions don’t allow a lot of time or space to deeply connect with others. Yet, if you are intent on creating a profound experience of reunion and connection it takes only one moment of consciousness to recognize yourself in another and another person in you.

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Samuel’s point is that given that there are so many new social technology applications online right now and that so many new ones will continue to proliferate in the future, the only successful strategy for successfully using this technology is to stop trying to keep up with each new application that is produced. If Alexandra Samuel whose field is social technology can’t keep up, what hope do regular people not involved in the field have?  So give your self a break and surrender. Keeping up is no longer a plausible response.

“So where is the opportunity here?” you might still be wondering. With a different frame of mind, you can use this glut of programs to focus on what is important to you. Rather than solely looking at the big picture of social technology such as twitter, facebook, youtube and the other software applications too numerous to mention here, focus on the smaller picture. What topics are you specifically interested in? See what software your own communities are using. For example, I spend a certain amount of time each day on facebook checking out what my community of professional coaches is doing. I respond where appropriate and I offer information that I think will be helpful to my friends and colleagues on facebook. I also focus on specific videos from youtube and vimeo.com that relate to whatever topic I am blogging about. While it might be fun to hang out on youtube and watch a number of fun videos, I don’t have the time nor is it ultimately productive for me. I am focused in my visit to the site and thus make the site beneficial to my needs.

Barry Schwartz, Ph.D. author of “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less” was quoted in the June, 2004 APA Monitor as saying, “The presumption is, self-determination is a good thing and choice is essential to self-determination. But there’s a point where all of this choice starts to be not only unproductive, but counterproductive–a source of pain, regret, worry about missed opportunities and unrealistically high expectations.” So rather than suffering with a glut of technological applications that neither suit my or my communities’ needs, I take the opportunity to narrow my choices based upon my priorities and my values.

How do you respond to a glut of opportunities?

What works for you in the face of overwhelm and too much?

When have you stopped an entrenched behavior regarding getting more of something and what was the impact of stopping on you and those around you?

Too many opportunities may be just the trigger we need to apply some self-care and additional focus on our own true needs. Take the opportunity to stop and to focus. Less can actually be more.

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The world seems to be a loud and noisy place these days with few spaces for silence, listening and reflection. I’m very aware of my own silence these days in situations where until just recently I normally would have offered a quick and unconscious response. What has kept me quiet? Ironically, it is my newly recovered ability to hear.

In the past two years I have been implanted with a cochlear implant in each ear. Without these implants I am totally deaf. The two happiest moments of my day are the moment I attach my implants to my head in the morning and the moment I detach them before going to sleep at night. In between, my world is populated by millions of different sounds. Some are familiar and comforting such as the sounds of loved ones’ voices, some are cacophonous and noisy and some seem brand new to my constantly relearning brain. I’m thankful for each one of these sounds no matter how pleasant or uncomfortable they feel to me. However, the daily plethora of sounds that greet me each moment, have made me appreciate the gift of silence.

In the past whenever I was engaged in a conversation, I used to answer immediately and hated for any silence to enter between myself and to whomever I was talking. I’m lucky in that I think very quickly but at the same time, I would have benefited from some short reflection time before responding instantaneously to a comment or question. The silence was very uncomfortable for me. I had no idea of how to just be with another person.

Although it may seem paradoxical, I frequently spoke in order to deflect attention from myself. I was busy trying to distract people from paying close attention to me. I unconsciously separated my words from me and filled the space with my voice rather than give people time and space to see into me.  In my experience, connection is most deeply created non-verbally. When silence is present there is time to see and feel another person’s non-verbal gestures and meanings. There is also time to let the others’ words find a place to rest in both our minds and our hearts.

Now I realize what a gift silence can provide. Take time to reflect and truly digest what the other person or people are saying. Listen to yourself and ponder what is most important to say rather than talking to fill up space. Practice silence to avoid harming people. Words spoken hastily in anger are neither skillful nor effective. You don’t need to respond to every provocation. Being silent can allow you to to access both your thoughts and feelings and synthesize them so that they are powerful and helpful rather than hurtful. Give yourself the gift of silence. You will benefit and others will appreciate your generosity.

What is your relationship to silence during a conversation?

What is the opportunity that silence offers you?

Many people do not know how to actively listen to another. How can silence help you to become a better listener?

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I came across this short movie by Peter Reynolds via Patty Digh’s excellent blog 37 Days. Bonding with our “inner child” has been all the rage these past couple of decades. Personally, the whole idea of an inner child has not particularly thrilled me. It has always felt trite and too contrived. Yet I know that a part of me still has my childlike wonder, creativity and incessant desire to learn new things. This child part of me was also not afraid to fail in the service of learning of new things and was much more authentic in expressing her feelings before she learned what was appropriate in her family and the world. The child in me who has now morphed into an adult still lives and still longs to express herself in both good ways and ways that are not always best for the adult version of me.

“He Was Me” provided me with an opportunity to ponder the many experiences that I have chosen to forgo because they are not appropriately adult. Most of these experiences involve having fun, pretending, being silly and much to my surprise, involve a healthy amount of creativity. It’s sad for me to realize that I have an unconscious picture of adults being stodgy, serious, uptight and definitely not fun! This could describe my parents who were my first role models in the world of adulthood.

Now that I am middle-aged and edging closer to old age every day, I find myself feeling at least ten years younger than my actual age. Perhaps this is true of most people as they age or it is yet one more attribute of being a member of the baby boom generation. I also notice that I give myself much more permission to act childlike as opposed to behaving in an immature fashion. When I allow my childlike wonder, curiosity and optimism to suffuse my adult being, I feel whole and happy. When I deny myself access to these feelings, I feel disconnected from others and disquieted.

My 22 year old nephew recently traveled with his girlfriend and her father and step-mother. During his witty and animated description of the trip he mentioned something about traveling with middle-aged people. Given that I was the same age as his girlfriend’s father and step-mother, I was horrified to experience myself as a middle-aged woman. Intellectually I know that I am a middle-aged woman but I notice I still equate middle age and adulthood with my outmoded picture of being tedious, boring and slow-moving much like the character in “He Was Me”. I am actually not that way although I do exhibit some of those characteristics every once in a while. Perhaps it is time for me to upgrade my inner picture of myself and fully integrate my childlike traits into my adult persona.

What parts of you have you disowned in the process of aging?
What childlike characteristics would be of benefit to you today?
How are you and your younger selves integrated in your life now?

I believe the most powerful message of “He Was Me” is that he is me is also true. There is a childlike part of ourselves that is still available to access whenever we want. So too, children have access to wisdom that seemingly only adults could know. My younger version of adulthood painted adults as dead, having sacrificed their own childlike qualities to survive in the world that they faced at the time. Although my child self was more alive in some ways than I often allow myself to be now, she was also deadening herself and thus I am much more alive today than I was when I was younger. We are all who were and we are all who we are. Our sense of self is continually deepening and expanding. Perhaps Peter Reynolds next film will be “He Was, Is and Always Will Be All of Me”.

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The Interdependence Tree

Gretchen Rubin posts many interesting suggestions and queries on her blog, “The Happiness Project”. I came across this question today: Do you make the mistake of describing a task as “easy” or “no big deal”? She points out that research shows that people persevere longer when told something is difficult than when they think it should be easy. Being the optimistic person that Gretchen is she has often told herself and others that something is easy in order to be encouraging when in fact, the task is difficult. While motivated from the best of intentions, this behavior can have the exact opposite effect.

Reading this, it reminded me of the importance of honesty. When we negate another person’s experience in favor of our own or our own wished for experience, it creates a disconnect and a loss of trust in the relationship. Ultimately, negating another person’s experience creates more work for both us and the people we negate. At the very least, we must repair the trust lost in the relationship if we intend for the relationship to continue. A more difficult task is to help the other person rebuild their trust in their own experience.

Instead of privileging our own experience over that of another person’s experience, we might first acknowledge that what we are saying is only representative of our experience and not something to be universally assumed as true. We all have gifts in varied areas of our lives that are not equally shared by all. If in fact, something is easy for me and hard for you, I can possibly help you lessen the difficulty by training you in behaviors or thought processes that have created workable solutions for me.

However, whether due to shame or stubborness we deny the difficulty we are experiencing to ourselves and others we lose out on experiencing help and possibly learning a new skill that can be helpful in the future. We also deny ourselves an opportunity to be more intimate with one another. If I ask for help, I am depending upon you. You might disappoint me and I might have uncomfortable feelings. Or I might depend on you and you admirably support me. I might then feel indebted to you for your kindness. Either way, relying on someone else is fraught with the possibility of some kind of loss even in the face of receiving some gain.

On the other hand, we live in an interdependent world. We each need each other’s skills for our society to function effectively. A sense of community grows around the sharing of difficult skills or experiences. An honest appraisal of difficulty can serve to deepen relationships as we each grow to appreciate what another person and each of us take on in order to support one another.

When I first started writing about this subject today, I had no idea that I would end up writing about community and connection. I thought that this post would be focused on how honesty can be a motivating force in our social interaction. I’ll save that for another post. In the meantime, the next time you ask someone to do something for you, notice how you frame your request. Notice what, if anything, comes between you and complete honesty in asking for what you want. Notice also how power is held when you are honest. Finally, pay attention to the response  you receive to your request. What feelings are evoked?

Asking for something honestly is sometimes hard for me especially when I feel particularly dependent in the situation. However, when I speak those feelings in an open, caring way, I’m usually answered with much love and support. What’s your experience when you make honest requests or talk about your experiences with honesty and vulnerability?

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