The Opportunity to Honestly Describe Difficulty

The Interdependence Tree

The Interdependence Tree

Gretchen Rubin posts many interesting suggestions and queries on her blog, “The Happiness Project”. I came across this question today: Do you make the mistake of describing a task as “easy” or “no big deal”? She points out that research shows that people persevere longer when told something is difficult than when they think it should be easy. Being the optimistic person that Gretchen is she has often told herself and others that something is easy in order to be encouraging when in fact, the task is difficult. While motivated from the best of intentions, this behavior can have the exact opposite effect.

Reading this, it reminded me of the importance of honesty. When we negate another person’s experience in favor of our own or our own wished for experience, it creates a disconnect and a loss of trust in the relationship. Ultimately, negating another person’s experience creates more work for both us and the people we negate. At the very least, we must repair the trust lost in the relationship if we intend for the relationship to continue. A more difficult task is to help the other person rebuild their trust in their own experience.

Instead of privileging our own experience over that of another person’s experience, we might first acknowledge that what we are saying is only representative of our experience and not something to be universally assumed as true. We all have gifts in varied areas of our lives that are not equally shared by all. If in fact, something is easy for me and hard for you, I can possibly help you lessen the difficulty by training you in behaviors or thought processes that have created workable solutions for me.

However, whether due to shame or stubborness we deny the difficulty we are experiencing to ourselves and others we lose out on experiencing help and possibly learning a new skill that can be helpful in the future. We also deny ourselves an opportunity to be more intimate with one another. If I ask for help, I am depending upon you. You might disappoint me and I might have uncomfortable feelings. Or I might depend on you and you admirably support me. I might then feel indebted to you for your kindness. Either way, relying on someone else is fraught with the possibility of some kind of loss even in the face of receiving some gain.

On the other hand, we live in an interdependent world. We each need each other’s skills for our society to function effectively. A sense of community grows around the sharing of difficult skills or experiences. An honest appraisal of difficulty can serve to deepen relationships as we each grow to appreciate what another person and each of us take on in order to support one another.

When I first started writing about this subject today, I had no idea that I would end up writing about community and connection. I thought that this post would be focused on how honesty can be a motivating force in our social interaction. I’ll save that for another post. In the meantime, the next time you ask someone to do something for you, notice how you frame your request. Notice what, if anything, comes between you and complete honesty in asking for what you want. Notice also how power is held when you are honest. Finally, pay attention to the response  you receive to your request. What feelings are evoked?

Asking for something honestly is sometimes hard for me especially when I feel particularly dependent in the situation. However, when I speak those feelings in an open, caring way, I’m usually answered with much love and support. What’s your experience when you make honest requests or talk about your experiences with honesty and vulnerability?

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This entry was written by Judith Cohen, MCC, CPCC and posted on July 22, 2009 at 2:54 pm and filed under Psychology, Social Sciences. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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