Take An Opportunity to Be Silent

When was the last time you were silent in a conversation for more than 30 seconds? Go ahead, take a moment and remember. What did it feel like? Were you anxious or could you luxuriate in just receiving what was being offered in that moment?

The world seems to be a loud and noisy place these days with few spaces for silence, listening and reflection. I’m very aware of my own silence these days in situations where until just recently I normally would have offered a quick and unconscious response. What has kept me quiet? Ironically, it is my newly recovered ability to hear.

In the past two years I have been implanted with a cochlear implant in each ear. Without these implants I am totally deaf. The two happiest moments of my day are the moment I attach my implants to my head in the morning and the moment I detach them before going to sleep at night. In between, my world is populated by millions of different sounds. Some are familiar and comforting such as the sounds of loved ones’ voices, some are cacophonous and noisy and some seem brand new to my constantly relearning brain. I’m thankful for each one of these sounds no matter how pleasant or uncomfortable they feel to me. However, the daily plethora of sounds that greet me each moment, have made me appreciate the gift of silence.

In the past whenever I was engaged in a conversation, I used to answer immediately and hated for any silence to enter between myself and to whomever I was talking. I’m lucky in that I think very quickly but at the same time, I would have benefited from some short reflection time before responding instantaneously to a comment or question. The silence was very uncomfortable for me. I had no idea of how to just be with another person.

Although it may seem paradoxical, I frequently spoke in order to deflect attention from myself. I was busy trying to distract people from paying close attention to me. I unconsciously separated my words from me and filled the space with my voice rather than give people time and space to see into me.  In my experience, connection is most deeply created non-verbally. When silence is present there is time to see and feel another person’s non-verbal gestures and meanings. There is also time to let the others’ words find a place to rest in both our minds and our hearts.

Now I realize what a gift silence can provide. Take time to reflect and truly digest what the other person or people are saying. Listen to yourself and ponder what is most important to say rather than talking to fill up space. Practice silence to avoid harming people. Words spoken hastily in anger are neither skillful nor effective. You don’t need to respond to every provocation. Being silent can allow you to to access both your thoughts and feelings and synthesize them so that they are powerful and helpful rather than hurtful. Give yourself the gift of silence. You will benefit and others will appreciate your generosity.

What is your relationship to silence during a conversation?

What is the opportunity that silence offers you?

Many people do not know how to actively listen to another. How can silence help you to become a better listener?

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This entry was written by Judith Cohen, MCC, CPCC and posted on July 27, 2009 at 9:46 pm and filed under Psychology. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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